Relationships
Is Your Relationship in Balance?
A relationship can be considered a combination of Commitment, Intimacy and Passion. Think of these qualities as three sides of a triangle. Very few relationships make a perfect triangle, but if yours is way out of balance you may be feeling frustrated, angry, or resentful. Find the shortest side of your “love triangle” and focus on improving things in that area first. Use the definitions below as a guide.
Commitment
Commitment is how dedicated you are to keeping your relationship alive and healthy, or how true you are to your partner. Here are some synonyms: fidelity, responsibility, obligation, duty, seeing things through. Commitment in a relationship means that most obstacles can be overcome, and there is a willingness to be faithful even in bad times. On a scale of one (practically no commitment) to ten (A lot of commitment), how would you rate your level of commitment?
Intimacy
The closeness in a relationship, the things you share with your partner that nobody else knows, the secrets and the common experiences. Intimacy is much more than sexuality and physical closeness, it’s how comfortable you are being with your partner. Can you express yourself openly without fear of criticism? Do you feel heard when you are speaking? Can you be vulnerable without getting hurt? Intimacy in a relationship is what makes you friends and makes you feel each-other’s presence is familiar and comfortable. On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the level of intimacy in your relationship?
Commitment & intimacy without passion
This kind of relationship is not in danger of falling apart, but needs some creativity and motivation to ignite the spark it once had.
Passion & commitment without intimacy
This is like a fatal attraction. Something drives these two partners to be with each-other, but the underlying disappointment is that they cannot seem to make the relationship any deeper, or get to know each-other’s innermost thoughts, desires, and wishes.
Passion & intimacy without commitment
This relationship feels like a one night stand. The attraction and fire are there, but there is frustration and insecurity about how long it will last.
12 Ways To Improve Your Relationship
One
Always make time to talk about how your day went. Even ten or fifteen minutes spent in conversation can help the two of you stay in touch and feel closer. As simple as this seems, schedule this time together and take turns relating some of the events of the day. Try to choose a time that is not extremely hectic. You may have to practice just listening to your partner, especially if you both have very busy days.
Four
Never rely on your partner (or anyone else) to make you happy. Only you can do that. Have your own hobbies, interests, pastimes, and activities separate from your partner. Although it is a goal of a healthy relationship to enjoy things together, doing everything together can result in boredom, resentment, and feeling trapped. If you get satisfaction from your daily activities, you will be more relaxed and content when spending time with your partner.
Two
Understand that there IS such thing as a good argument. As long as honest feelings were expressed and eventually understood, and as long as there was some conclusion where both partners believed that something was accomplished, then you had a successful argument. Extremely abusive language, sustained hostility, or open threats are NOT part of a good argument. How to avoid circular arguments.
Five
Do not assume that your partner will automatically know what your feelings, needs, wants, and preferences are, or what mood you are in. Of course, don’t assume you know what your partner is “really” thinking or feeling. Don’t rely on ESP. Even close partners are not mind readers. If you want to know what your partner is thinking, just ask. If you want your partner to know how you feel, tell them. Take what your partner says at face value, and stop second guessing.
Three
Don’t forget to maintain the “little courtesies”, such as saying “please” and “thank you” and generally showing respect and recognition for everyday things. As relationships mature, simple things become more important. Small, thoughtful gifts and cards even when there is no occasion. Take time out to show your partner how much you appreciate the everyday things they do. The little things are most likely what attracted your partner to you in the first place.
Six
Sexually, learn how to ask for what you want. Again, don’t assume your partner has ESP or Psychic powers. A little bit of talking while being affectionate will help your partner understand your preferences. Don’t be afraid to ask for and give feedback. learn how to listen.
Seven
It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to be in a healthy relationship, both partners are always growing and improving. Healthy relationships should bring out the best in us. They should inspire, motivate, and enhance our creativity and well-being. If you are waiting for your partner to “change” or actively attempting to make them into something they are not, you may be very disappointed. Individual personality, habits, and general style are not likely to change very much. What you see is what you get!
Ten
Every relationship can benefit from a periodic change of pace. Try a new restaurant. Take a trip to a nearby location chosen at random. Rent a hotel room even if you have privacy at home. Another idea is to experiment with fantasy. Try a style of clothes that you have never worn. Learn how to be playfully unpredictable. Creativity will keep a relationship fresh. For a sense of romance, try looking at old photographs of you and your partner, read cards and letters that you have sent to each-other. It can also be fun to recount what your first few dates were like.
Eight
Learn how to accept the natural ups and downs of a relationship. Nothing is perfect, and love will always be accompanied by a certain amount of hurt, tension, frustration, misunderstanding and jealousy. If your relationship is mostly healthy, with a reasonable amount of communication and a minimum amount of anger and resentment, and if you continue to find both you and the relationship will grow for the better, you have very little to worry about. It’s those people who never argue that make us suspicious!
Eleven
Recognize some of the differences between men and women. Men: Women typically enjoy conversation, conversing in groups, and expressing detail verbally. They tend to dream in detail, interpret situations in terms of personal motives, feelings, & consequences & tend to appreciate positive feedback for personal accomplishments. Women like to hear words of support and understanding, not advice, suggestions, or harsh criticism. Women: Men tend to enjoy variety, respond well to good-natured challenge, and place a high value on personal space & privacy. In social situations, men are more likely to interpret events at face value. If men display an emotional side, give positive reinforcement. Stereotypes can be dangerous, but recognizing real differences is vital for good communication.
Nine
In a healthy relationship, both partners are continually growing and improving. Healthy relationships should bring out the best in each partner. They should inspire, motivate, and enhance our creativity and well-being. If you are waiting for your partner to “change” or actively attempting to make them into something they are not, you may be very disappointed. Individual personality, habits, and general style are not likely to change very much. What you see is what you get!
Twelve
It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to give yourself reinforcement after you have successfully tried one of the techniques to improve your relationship, even if the outcome was not exactly what you wanted. It is very important to be “self-rewarding”. Both you and your partner should reward yourselves for working together. Try listening to a favorite CD
together, playing a game, or going out together to a movie, or for some special dessert.
As with all the advice on these pages, the suggestions are not meant to be a substitute for individual therapy or couples therapy, but can be used as a starting point for improvement. If you feel that you have a serious problem with anger, abuse or miscommunication in your relationship, please inquire PSLI services available!
